I'm so sorry....

too all who get offended by my blogs. I am sorry. Didn't mean too. I'm not that horrible. Well, not now. I was this morning. A customer came to the till and asked if he could get the key to the toilet, because he needed to poop (he had diarrhoea >> yes he said that to me). And I said no to him. How funny is that? Horrible to the bone. I can imagine how he felt, he wasn't amused about the closed toilet. Not my fault, they are closed for a reason, because of vandalism at night. Yes ladies and gentlemen, they nick the toiletpaper, toiletseat, the garbagebin, the batteries from the airfreshener. How low is that? What the hell do you do with a toiletseat?

I hate nightshifts, especially when they are boring. The weather maybe good, but the customers don't come at night. Sleeping, I guess? I don't know, I am not allowed outside the fishbowl. Last night was a crappy night, I had nothing to do. Thank God that we had a magazine delivery that day (new magazines). So I could read stuff! Yes I can read. Not stupid tho!

This is where I work! Not now, you dopey git. I am at home, typing for you (and for me). And before you ask me, that WAS my car. I miss him. He was brilliant. He is kaput, broken. Like Jay-Z said "I've got 99 problems but a b**ch ain't one". That was true. My girl ain't a problem at all! The car was. I can tell you stories, OMG. Stories. Hahaha, I can write a book about it. A small story then?

I drove back from England, from visiting my girl. I filled the oil, because the stick was dry. I got into France without any problems, and when I passed the border, I needed fuel. Well, not me, the car. So when I stopped at the first petrol station in Belgium, I saw the oil light burning. I thought "how the hell?". And I checked the oil level. And the stick was completely dry, like a Tena Lady in it's plastic wrap. So I bought a extra liter of oil, filled it up, and left. But the second I left, the car made weird noises, and blue clouds came out of the exhaust. The maximum speed I could drive was 80 km/h. And I still had to drive for 3 hours. And it was snowing aswell! Can you imagine that I had a wet underpants? Yes, I had. I was scared. No credit on my phone, so I could call the ANWB (Erm... I don't know the English company, is it RAC?). I felt so bad!

The next day, I went to work with my car, and other cars were flashing me. And I knew, if Neil Amstrong was on the moon at that moment, he would have seen my blue clouds, coming out of the exhaust. You can't see the Chinese wall from the moon. But that, yes, he could have seen it! At work we had a special machine to check it out, and it said that I had 2.5 litres of oil to much in it! So the engine was drowning. Yep, the car was dying. Bit by bit.

It ain't here anymore. The green machine. It's a red machine now. Not a red devil tho, a red angel. Sweet and delicate. It was my fathers car. Now it's mine. I miss the ICE of the VW. It was brilliant. You could hear me arrive! If I'd arrive in Dover, Hayley could hear me coming (she lives in London!).

Hayley, she isn't here with me right now. She is in London, watching the Royal wedding. With mum and gran. I can imagine all the ladies crying. I wouldn't, I am a man. We don't cry. And if we do, it will be on our secret places. Like the toilet, when a turd is too big to push out. Yes ladies, we cry then! Except when you are gay, the exit is much wider. But us delicate men, we don't have a huge exit. It's an exit for a reason, not an entrance!

I cry when watching the English Patient. What a beautiful film. I can cry while listening to classical music. I can cry when I said goodbye to my girl at the airport or trainstation. But I'll never do it in front of her. Too much manly hormones. We don't do it! Not that often tho. Imagine us men crying all the time? I can't!

I miss my girl right now. She misses me too. Obviously she wanted me to watch the whole thing with her. And I know why! I am not stupid! She will be laying on my big unhairy chest, and using my t-shirt as a tissue! I would be bored stiff. It's a good thing I am not watching it with her, she would be angry at me for making stupid remarks all the time. I do that when I am bored. Well, not only when I am bored.

Can you tell I am bored now?

Do I hear a request there? A nice picture? I'll end with a nice picture. Only for you! For your eyes only! Should I strip and make a picture of my hairless chest? Don't think the world is ready for it! My up and coming beerbelly lol. No, not good for showing that to the world. I'll keep everything nicely tucked. No body parts visable, only my milk bottles (ladies, I mean legs!). The only person who saw me naked was....erm.... I mean persons: mum, dad, grandad, the doctor, the nurse, and ofcourse Hayley! Okay okay. A nice picture you want? There you go!

Awww, do you like it? I'll tell you about that next time, if I can be arsed. Lol.

Let's end with a nice saying: "You are wearing a suit but it doesn't suit you". I made it myself! Aren't I clever?

Bye bye